Trusting Myself....

One thing I've had a hard time with this week is trusting that doing everything right would mean I would get results. I haven’t trusted myself in being able to enjoy the spontaneous dinners that got me to this weight. I was scared to, to be quiet honest. That’s like handing an alcoholic a fifth of whiskey.

All that kinda came to halt this week. I had 3 instances of unplanned eating out. I worried about it all week, but I followed my plan all of the other days. Even on the days I ate out, I still kept within my calories, but my sodium was THROUGH THE ROOF!! Everyone kept telling me that it would be ok, that if I did gain, it would be the first time in 11 weeks and at some point it’s going to happen. I told myself that too, but I hoped for the best.

I lost -2.2 pounds.

I’ve decided I’m not going to do that anymore. I’m not going to worry myself to death about meals that sometimes are out of my control. Unless I went overboard and ate 3 days worth of food in one meal, it’s not that big of a deal.

It showed me something. That I can trust myself. That I can let lose maybe some of the reigns I’ve had. My frame of mind is different now and I’m not going to automatically go for that fried chicken or mac and cheese. I’m not automatically going to get an appetizer, meal, and then a dessert. I have changed. I’m not the same person I was 11 weeks & 29.5 pounds ago.

I don’t recognize that person anymore. Literally. None of my clothes fit anymore and half my shoes don’t. I’m not keeping all those big clothes either, those are being given away. I have a very small wardrobe that I can fit into at this point, but I’ll take it. Hopefully I’ll be moving even further down in the next few months.

Oh and that weight I was talking about that I don’t recognize myself at a few blog posts ago? I’m there. At this point, I’m a whole new me. I have an entirely different outlook on what I can do with this. When I first started, I thought if I lose 30 pounds by May I will have REALLY accomplished something. It’s March and I’m there. Imagine what I can do by May?

I’m going to keep at this. I’m going to keep on keeping on and I’ll hit my goal. Hopefully sooner rather than later. 95 more pounds to go!

I walked 1.2 miles today. I couldn’t even walk half a mile in January. I had my blood work re-done. My cholesterol is 169, my sugar is 87, my triglycerides are 138. Last time I had all that done, it was in the danger zone - in NOVEMBER! If I can do this, you can too! I”m one of the people who can say I’ve kept my New Year’s promise to myself. For the first time since, well, ever.


Are you? If not, it’s not too late to jump back on or even get started.

Confessions

Today I logged into My Fitness Pal for the 70^th day in a row. In 70 days I've accomplished much more than I ever truly believed I could do when I first started out.

• I've lost 27.3 pounds. That's .39 pounds a day...pretty decent!

• I've gone from a 4X shirt to a comfortable 2X in most cases.

• I've gone from a size 26 jean that was really tight to a size 24 that's starting to get loose.

• I've gone from a size 9 in my shoes to 8.5.

• My wedding and engagement rings almost fall off now if my hand gets wet.

• My glasses are even a little big.

• For the first time since I can remember, I bought clothes from the 'regular' size side of the store last weekend.

• I've gone from not being able to walk far at all to pretty close to 2 miles a day. I am almost at the end of that road!!!

You might be wondering what my confession is. When I agreed to do this with my friends at work. I didn't really mean to do it all.

We've all talked at one time or another in the past few years about 'losing weight'. We'd do it for a few weeks and then we'd fall back into our old habits. In December when my friend told me that we needed to do this together. I said 'sure', like I always do, but I really didn't plan to do it. Even the first day of January I really didn't take it seriously.

I can't tell you what made me take it seriously. I still don't know. All I know is one day I was saying sure, ready to completely half-ass this and the next day I had a scale out measuring my food.

Divine intervention is my best guess. God knew what I needed and He flipped the switch in my head to make me realize it.

It's become a habit for me now and for the most part, my cravings are gone. I do still feel hungry every once in a while and sometimes I really do want that fast food, but I've come up with a bit of a system. Usually every Friday and Saturday night we eat out. Friday morning and Friday afternoon I also eat out, but I keep it under control. A kids Coke on Friday Morning is usually all the Coke I have for the week as well.

I think I'm happier and I think I have a lot more confidence in myself. I know I'm not skinny by any means, but I just feel better about myself. I'm learning to love myself a bit more & I can't wait until week 12 when I can take new progress pictures and compare them to week 1. I think that will tell a lot.

Another confession. I dread the week I get on that scale and it either goes up or stays the same. I know this level of weight loss will not go on forever. I'm not sure how I will react to it – and that's what scares me.

As of this week, the group that I'm losing weight with at work has hit 93.3 pounds! We've lost a skinny teenager!

I'm so ready to punch through my next goal of 30 pounds!

Tangible Results!

This week, I've surprised myself. I know that I keep saying this, but I really did. I lost 3.8 pounds! The most since the first week I started this. I'm almost to the point where I can say I have less than 10o pounds that I want to lose. I started this wanting to lose 125.5 pounds. That still puts me a little bit heavy on the BMI scale because of my height, but I think I'll be happy at that weight. If not, I will continue to work on losing a bit more. I don't remember myself at anything less than 200 pounds – seriously – so I don't know how I'll feel about it. I can barely remember myself at this weight. I know that I went to the doctor for bronchitis the January or February of the year I got married (2008) and I weighed 5 pounds less than I do right now. I still can't remember what I looked like then though.

That's tangible. That's something I can remember and something I can see.

After I had my little freak out a week or so ago, I think I'm more determined than ever. I feel better about myself. I feel happier. I think I walk with my head a little higher. I think I walk a little faster.

Figuratively and physically I'm getting a little further down the road every week. There's a road that we walk on at work. Every week I have a goal until I get to the end of this road. Some days I feel like it's going to kill me. Other days I feel so accomplished because I've made it. I keep track of how long it takes me with an app on my phone and everyday I push for it to be quicker. Some days I shave off 10-20 seconds. Some days it's a little slower and I'm ok with that.

I've had two more tangible results this week. A friend of mine said it would be cool if we went zip lining. I can remember someone mentioning that last year and I looked into it. My heart sank and I didn't tell anyone, but I was too heavy to go. I was higher than the weight requirement. It hurt, but did that make me do anything. No...if anything I gained 10 more pounds. Weird how that works huh? When she mentioned it, I couldn't remember how much the weight requirement was and I wasn't goin to say anything. Instead, I went to the website and clicked on the FAQ and saw the question. I was nervous as I clicked it. My palms were sweating and my heart was racing. I didn't want to have to tell someone I was still too heavy to do this. When I clicked, I almost cried. I'm a full 10 pounds now BELOW what the high weight is. Excited does not even begin to describe how I felt!

Another tangible result is a picture that was taken of me. When I started this in January, a few days after I announced it to everyone, I asked my friend to take a picture of me. As a starting out point. It just so happened Thursday, I was wearing the same outfit and everyone was commenting on how lose my clothes were. On a whim, I asked her to take another picture. The side by side was amazing!!! I can now SEE that hard work is paying off. I am more motivated than ever & I can't wait to see how far this journey takes me!!!

his is that picture. Notice how unhappy and uncomfortable I look in the first? I'm glad I don't look like that anymore!

Mentality....

For the second time in two months, I have hit a goal. I have been successful! Successful!!! I can't tell you the last time I did that when it comes to weight loss. I feel like I've been failing at it for 9 years. Because of that, it's hard for me to realize that I AM doing this. I AM succeeding.

It's never been harder than it has been this week. I think that an incident last Sunday triggered it. There was a 60^th birthday party for a family member at a Mexican Restaurant. In an attempt to walk some of it off, my husband and I went walking around the local mall. I was complaining about my clothes being too big, so I was kind of looking at things I may be able to get. When we were in one store, I saw a shirt that I really, really liked. I knew that there was no way I could fit into it, but Michael convinced me to try it on.

I couldn't get it over my chest.

Talk about disappointment. I felt like a failure, I felt embarrassed, I cried. It was really horrible and it really took me to Wednesday to recover from it. In the end, I learned that it actually was a Junior's size and neither one of us noticed that. I learned that on Monday, but I still felt horrible about myself. I felt larger than I did at my top weight. I was completely uncomfortable about everything to do with myself. Until I saw a picture comparison of where I started out & where I am now. If you are on this journey – TAKE PICTURES!!!!! Without those, I would still be a complete depressed mess and probably would have stopped. It's sad, but it's true. And this blog is nothing – if not the truth.

Instead of stopping though, I looked at those pictures. I gave myself a pep talk and reminded myself of how far I had come. Then I went to Fashion Bug – where I knew I could fit into the clothes and surprised myself. I got into the smaller size down shirt (two sizes smaller in a different cut) and the next smaller size of jeans (which would be 2 sizes since that's the way they go). That was tangible & I felt much better about myself.

Michael also made the comment that he thinks I'm now in better physical shape than him. That has NEVER happened and made me feel good. He also got us Your Shape Fitness Evolved for the Kinetic. I ran for 3 straight minutes without stopping. I couldn't have done that two months ago.

This is going to be a mental game for me – seeing myself at a smaller weight & being able to accept the compliments that people are giving me. It's hard to do, but I'm working on it. I'm also working on being realistic in my goals and not letting one little thing set me back.

Again, the only person that can stop me is myself!

Support...

In my 7^th week of my lifestyle change, I want to talk about something that has come to mean everything to me. The support of my friends & family.

The reason this means so much to me is because I am the girl who cried ‘wolf’. You may not understand that, so let me explain.

The last time I was ‘serious’ about losing weight was back when I was 21 years old. That was the last time I really lost weight – meaning over 20 pounds. That January to May, I lost right at 30 pounds. I was just starting to feel good about myself and then I de-railed. I don’t remember what happened that made me de-rail. Maybe I got cocky. Knowing myself, that’s a good possibility.

Since then, I have tried to lose weight at least once a year – every year. So for almost 10 years I’ve tried to lose weight. I’ve never gotten over the 15-20 pound mark, heck I may not even have gotten that far. To be honest with you, I don’t remember. It’s all kind of a blur. It’s been years of me half-assing it, trying to make it seem like I cared.

In reality I didn’t care, I just didn’t want to be seen as that fat girl who didn’t do anything to change her situation. In hindsight, all those stops and starts were really annoying. I would tell everyone I was going to lose weight & I’d be successful for a few weeks, then something would happen and I would give up. I really am disappointed in myself about those stops & starts. If I would have never stopped, I would already be where I want to be.

Regardless though, my friends and family would always be behind me. No matter if I lost 5 pounds and then I was done or not.

Something finally clicked in my head though this January. I can’t do this just because I want to. This is work, this is hard work. I decided to tell everybody that I know what I’m doing. I’m blessed that a group of friends that I work with decided to do this with me. They are the same ones who have had my back every time I’ve decided to this. The difference is this time, I am in this. So are they!

Without the support of those around me, I know that I couldn’t do this. One of my friends told me it’s my willpower doing this and I’m doing it alone. That’s not the case in my mind. I feel like we’re all part of a sorority, willing to help each other when we need it. I need help walking. I absolutely hate it, but I love the little bit of exercise it gives me. There are some days that I feel like I can’t go on. Those days my friends are in front of me, encouraging me to continue going. There are days when I feel like I have made no progress. My husband is there reminding me I’ve lost almost 20 pounds.

This is not something I’m doing alone. I have a village. I am truly thankful for every one of the people supporting me. I read every comment left & I appreciate every kind word said. It means everything to me and keeps me going!

------

Two things this week have been amazing! I was able to move my steering wheel ALL THE way down. I haven't done that in I don't know how long. My belly was either in the way or it touched it. It doesn't do that anymore. And.....the 3 ladies I am basically losing weight with at work have done awesome as well. Since we all started this together (keep in mind one started in late November)..we've lost 78 pounds. I am extremely proud of us!

Quality of Life

This week I’ve been really involved in My Fitness Pal. One of the people over there that I’m following mentioned her husband was wishy washy about her weight loss initiative. Half the time he was really behind her, half the time he wasn’t.

His reasoning? You only have one life to live.

Say what? It’s true, we do only have one life to live. But who chooses to live it like this?

Who wants to be worried if you can run fast enough or far enough to outrun the zombies in the apocalypse? Who wants to be worried if you’ll be able to be old enough to have grandchildren? Who wants to be worried if you’ll ever be able to have someone lift you off your feet and spend you around?

We are given one life – that’s true. But what about our quality of life? Those of us stuck in this rut and in these bodies have no quality. We may be happy sure, but how much happier could we be? We’ll never know until we take the chance to be everything that we can. For me, that means being a person who is in shape and can enjoy doing WHATEVER I want to do with my life.

I’m sick of being the person who is huffing and puffing as I bring up the rear when we’re going on walks. I don’t have to be the lead person, but I want to at least be able to ‘go with the flow’. I want to go back to Gatlinburg to Wonder Works and be able to do the cool stuff without hitting that weight limit. I want to go back to Disney World and not dread that walk from the bus to the park. Then dread the entire walk around the park. The whole time I was there on my honeymoon, no less, all I could think about was ‘how much further am I going to have to walk today’. I couldn’t really enjoy myself. Granted, I had pulled a muscle in my leg, but I have no doubt that it would have still been like that. I want to get up at 7AM, go to a park when it opens, have them open those gates and know that I can walk until 7PM that night and still be ready to go. I want that, badly.

I’m going to get it this time. Because that’s what I’m after – a great quality of life!

--------

To the person who said to try roasted vegetables....I did & they are amazing! Thank you!!

Addiction....

Addiction to Food?? Really??

This week I've done a lot of soul-searching about this journey I've been on. So far in the first 5 weeks of the year, I've lost almost 13 pounds. The ticker on the side rounds up. I've really lost 12.7 pounds. I've done a lot of wondering about how I let myself get this way. In the past I've had a lot of excuses. The way I grew up, the fact that I was born pre-mature – the list goes on and on.

But...this is the year without excuses. Right? I began to wonder...has my family history played into my weight – just a little bit? Not as an excuse, but as a reason to understand.

My family has a history of addiction, on both sides. My cousin and I talked about this once. We laughed and said we'd rather be addicted to food rather than what the rest of our family is addicted to. Alcohol, hard core drugs, prescription drugs. Now I'm not so sure. I've thought about it a lot. Is it really better to be addicted to food?

In my mind (in the past), I made myself feel better about the food addiction by again making excuses. I told myself that at least I wasn't hurting myself or my family. At least I wasn't spending all my money on drugs. At least I wasn't zoned out of my mind all the time. At least I wasn't so drunk that I couldn't function. Now I realize that I was wrong. Very wrong.

An addiction to food can hurt you. It can cause you die young of a heart attack. It can cause you to be in so much physical pain – because of being overweight – that it can make you take medicine to make yourself feel better. It can cause you so much mental pain that it can also make you take medication to make yourself feel better.

There is no GOOD addiction. They all affect you badly in some way. I'm through making excuses for mine. I'm breaking this addiction. One pound at a time. As I posted on my facebook. I am refusing to let other people's bad decisions, stupidity, and lack of regard for those around them affect me! Last year I would have reached for a pint of ice cream, today I went shopping for nail polish. I will not be derailed because others don't know when to grow up!

- - - - - -

This week, I am going to try something new. Like I did with the coffee a few weeks ago. I'm going to try to make some roasted vegetables in the oven like the anonymous commenter suggested last week. I've never been a huge vegetable eater, but I'm working on it! I'm working very hard on me and I'm starting to like who I am.