Compassion

Compassion

You may notice I haven't written in the past few weeks. It's just because I really haven't had a whole lot to say. Everything is going the way it should be as far as my weight loss. It's continuing at a great pace and I'm super excited about hitting 50 pounds!

I saw something a few days ago that I decided I wanted to write about here. Most of you may have seen the video of the elderly, overweight, bus monitor who got completely ridiculed by the students she was monitoring on the bus. If you haven't, you should really go watch it and make your kids, nieces, nephews, little cousins, or anyone else who is at an age that is impressionable. It broke my heart.

This woman – 68 years old and still working was just doing a job. She was sitting there, minding her own business when these teenagers started calling her every foul name in the book. They ridicule her about her weight, calling her a fat ass. Then they ridicule her about the fact that she's probably poor. They even go so far as to say that her family probably wants to kill themselves to not be around her because she's so fat.

If that had been an impressionable teen who felt bad about themselves, about their weight. Who knows? They may have gone home and done just that.

The lack of compassion and human decency from these kids just astounds me. Where they not taught right from wrong? Do they not believe that everyone has feelings? Do they not realize what kind of scars they leave on others?

It brought back many memories for myself. In high school, I had a great group of friends that never said anything about me. However, there were a few who said things and even when I'd walk on the street. I can still remember someone saying that I was so fat, if you broke my leg gravy would pour out. I can remember being at the movies and walking to the car and someone making a mooing noise and calling me a fat ass. That happened when I was a teenager. I am going on 31 years old and I still remember it. Those things hurt and if you have some sort of misconception that by making fun of someone you're 'helping' them. Let me assure you, it doesn't help at all. It makes you want to go home and eat more. It makes your self-esteem drop and it makes you feel worthless.

Just because people are different than you, whether they have a disability, are overweight, or all tattooed and pierced up – doesn't mean they aren't a human being. We should have all been taught common courtesy and human decency. If we lose that as people, then we have nothing. Change starts with one of us. We must teach the younger generation this – especially with the reports that half the nation will be obese in 20 years. It does no good to try and 'shame' them. Trust me, they have enough shame coming from their own thoughts.

Live by the golden rule, treat others the way you want to be treated and you will see just how amazing of a life you can have.

I am glad to say, I've overcome a lot of my past. I'm almost halfway to my goal. That bus monitor, the world has donated over $300,000 to give her a better life. Those people who called me names, I have no idea where they are. Those boys who made fun of the bus monitor could be facing criminal charges. There are consequences for the actions you make and words you say, so please choose them carefully. You never know when that one word you say will push someone over the edge.

Instead, wouldn't you prefer for that one word you say to be the catalyst that pushes someone to do something positive and change their life forever? Positivity never hurt anyone. Negativity has killed many a dream.

What's your decision?

I'm Back!

So, the last few weeks, I taken the weeks off from blogging. I was kind of disappointed in myself – even though that's kind of crazy – considering how far I've come. After seeing such big numbers that .5 pound was like a slap in the face. Of course, I knew that it was coming. I ate well, but my sodium was through the roof. That's something that will put the weight on me faster than anything else I do.

I worked hard though. I worked hard not to let that .5 loss derail me. For a split second, I really thought about giving up. I thought if I can't do at least 1.5 every week, then what am I doing here? Then I realized that was a stupid position to take. It was selfish and a bit bratish. Then the next week, my loss was bigger, but still smaller than what I was used to. Same with the next week. I wondered what I was doing 'wrong'. I don't know why I thought I was doing something wrong, but I guess I got spoiled in these big weight losses I had been having.

I had to sit down and have a talk with myself.

I also talked to other people who are doing or have done this. The biggest thing I heard from everyone was maybe you need to increase your calories. That scared me. Big time! I was netting anywhere from 900-1100 a day and the general consensus was that I should try to get as close to 1200 net a day that I could. So that's what I tried to do this week. It was hard, making myself eat sometimes. At the end of the day, I'd look and see sometimes I had about a hundred calories to go & I'd go get something real quick. I was scared it would give me the license to pretty much eat for the sake of eating. Surprisingly, I didn't feel that way. I made good decisions on what to eat except for a Little Debbie snack I allowed myself for dessert.

Sometimes I have to keep remind myself that my journey is not over. I still have a long way to go – 90.2 more pounds. But let's put this into perspective.

Since January 1^st, I have lost 35.3 pounds. My 'smaller' clothes are getting a bit bigger. My BMI has gone down 6.9 points. Most of all though? My confidence and self-esteem is through the roof and I'm happier. That is the biggest gift of all with this journey I'm on.

So this coming week, I'm gonna try not to be so impatient with myself. I am doing a great job. It'll happen. Not on my time line, but when it's supposed to. So here I go, ready to hit 40 pounds lost. With the support of everybody and my own determination, I'll be there in no time!

Trusting Myself....

One thing I've had a hard time with this week is trusting that doing everything right would mean I would get results. I haven’t trusted myself in being able to enjoy the spontaneous dinners that got me to this weight. I was scared to, to be quiet honest. That’s like handing an alcoholic a fifth of whiskey.

All that kinda came to halt this week. I had 3 instances of unplanned eating out. I worried about it all week, but I followed my plan all of the other days. Even on the days I ate out, I still kept within my calories, but my sodium was THROUGH THE ROOF!! Everyone kept telling me that it would be ok, that if I did gain, it would be the first time in 11 weeks and at some point it’s going to happen. I told myself that too, but I hoped for the best.

I lost -2.2 pounds.

I’ve decided I’m not going to do that anymore. I’m not going to worry myself to death about meals that sometimes are out of my control. Unless I went overboard and ate 3 days worth of food in one meal, it’s not that big of a deal.

It showed me something. That I can trust myself. That I can let lose maybe some of the reigns I’ve had. My frame of mind is different now and I’m not going to automatically go for that fried chicken or mac and cheese. I’m not automatically going to get an appetizer, meal, and then a dessert. I have changed. I’m not the same person I was 11 weeks & 29.5 pounds ago.

I don’t recognize that person anymore. Literally. None of my clothes fit anymore and half my shoes don’t. I’m not keeping all those big clothes either, those are being given away. I have a very small wardrobe that I can fit into at this point, but I’ll take it. Hopefully I’ll be moving even further down in the next few months.

Oh and that weight I was talking about that I don’t recognize myself at a few blog posts ago? I’m there. At this point, I’m a whole new me. I have an entirely different outlook on what I can do with this. When I first started, I thought if I lose 30 pounds by May I will have REALLY accomplished something. It’s March and I’m there. Imagine what I can do by May?

I’m going to keep at this. I’m going to keep on keeping on and I’ll hit my goal. Hopefully sooner rather than later. 95 more pounds to go!

I walked 1.2 miles today. I couldn’t even walk half a mile in January. I had my blood work re-done. My cholesterol is 169, my sugar is 87, my triglycerides are 138. Last time I had all that done, it was in the danger zone - in NOVEMBER! If I can do this, you can too! I”m one of the people who can say I’ve kept my New Year’s promise to myself. For the first time since, well, ever.


Are you? If not, it’s not too late to jump back on or even get started.

Tangible Results!

This week, I've surprised myself. I know that I keep saying this, but I really did. I lost 3.8 pounds! The most since the first week I started this. I'm almost to the point where I can say I have less than 10o pounds that I want to lose. I started this wanting to lose 125.5 pounds. That still puts me a little bit heavy on the BMI scale because of my height, but I think I'll be happy at that weight. If not, I will continue to work on losing a bit more. I don't remember myself at anything less than 200 pounds – seriously – so I don't know how I'll feel about it. I can barely remember myself at this weight. I know that I went to the doctor for bronchitis the January or February of the year I got married (2008) and I weighed 5 pounds less than I do right now. I still can't remember what I looked like then though.

That's tangible. That's something I can remember and something I can see.

After I had my little freak out a week or so ago, I think I'm more determined than ever. I feel better about myself. I feel happier. I think I walk with my head a little higher. I think I walk a little faster.

Figuratively and physically I'm getting a little further down the road every week. There's a road that we walk on at work. Every week I have a goal until I get to the end of this road. Some days I feel like it's going to kill me. Other days I feel so accomplished because I've made it. I keep track of how long it takes me with an app on my phone and everyday I push for it to be quicker. Some days I shave off 10-20 seconds. Some days it's a little slower and I'm ok with that.

I've had two more tangible results this week. A friend of mine said it would be cool if we went zip lining. I can remember someone mentioning that last year and I looked into it. My heart sank and I didn't tell anyone, but I was too heavy to go. I was higher than the weight requirement. It hurt, but did that make me do anything. No...if anything I gained 10 more pounds. Weird how that works huh? When she mentioned it, I couldn't remember how much the weight requirement was and I wasn't goin to say anything. Instead, I went to the website and clicked on the FAQ and saw the question. I was nervous as I clicked it. My palms were sweating and my heart was racing. I didn't want to have to tell someone I was still too heavy to do this. When I clicked, I almost cried. I'm a full 10 pounds now BELOW what the high weight is. Excited does not even begin to describe how I felt!

Another tangible result is a picture that was taken of me. When I started this in January, a few days after I announced it to everyone, I asked my friend to take a picture of me. As a starting out point. It just so happened Thursday, I was wearing the same outfit and everyone was commenting on how lose my clothes were. On a whim, I asked her to take another picture. The side by side was amazing!!! I can now SEE that hard work is paying off. I am more motivated than ever & I can't wait to see how far this journey takes me!!!

his is that picture. Notice how unhappy and uncomfortable I look in the first? I'm glad I don't look like that anymore!

Mentality....

For the second time in two months, I have hit a goal. I have been successful! Successful!!! I can't tell you the last time I did that when it comes to weight loss. I feel like I've been failing at it for 9 years. Because of that, it's hard for me to realize that I AM doing this. I AM succeeding.

It's never been harder than it has been this week. I think that an incident last Sunday triggered it. There was a 60^th birthday party for a family member at a Mexican Restaurant. In an attempt to walk some of it off, my husband and I went walking around the local mall. I was complaining about my clothes being too big, so I was kind of looking at things I may be able to get. When we were in one store, I saw a shirt that I really, really liked. I knew that there was no way I could fit into it, but Michael convinced me to try it on.

I couldn't get it over my chest.

Talk about disappointment. I felt like a failure, I felt embarrassed, I cried. It was really horrible and it really took me to Wednesday to recover from it. In the end, I learned that it actually was a Junior's size and neither one of us noticed that. I learned that on Monday, but I still felt horrible about myself. I felt larger than I did at my top weight. I was completely uncomfortable about everything to do with myself. Until I saw a picture comparison of where I started out & where I am now. If you are on this journey – TAKE PICTURES!!!!! Without those, I would still be a complete depressed mess and probably would have stopped. It's sad, but it's true. And this blog is nothing – if not the truth.

Instead of stopping though, I looked at those pictures. I gave myself a pep talk and reminded myself of how far I had come. Then I went to Fashion Bug – where I knew I could fit into the clothes and surprised myself. I got into the smaller size down shirt (two sizes smaller in a different cut) and the next smaller size of jeans (which would be 2 sizes since that's the way they go). That was tangible & I felt much better about myself.

Michael also made the comment that he thinks I'm now in better physical shape than him. That has NEVER happened and made me feel good. He also got us Your Shape Fitness Evolved for the Kinetic. I ran for 3 straight minutes without stopping. I couldn't have done that two months ago.

This is going to be a mental game for me – seeing myself at a smaller weight & being able to accept the compliments that people are giving me. It's hard to do, but I'm working on it. I'm also working on being realistic in my goals and not letting one little thing set me back.

Again, the only person that can stop me is myself!

Support...

In my 7^th week of my lifestyle change, I want to talk about something that has come to mean everything to me. The support of my friends & family.

The reason this means so much to me is because I am the girl who cried ‘wolf’. You may not understand that, so let me explain.

The last time I was ‘serious’ about losing weight was back when I was 21 years old. That was the last time I really lost weight – meaning over 20 pounds. That January to May, I lost right at 30 pounds. I was just starting to feel good about myself and then I de-railed. I don’t remember what happened that made me de-rail. Maybe I got cocky. Knowing myself, that’s a good possibility.

Since then, I have tried to lose weight at least once a year – every year. So for almost 10 years I’ve tried to lose weight. I’ve never gotten over the 15-20 pound mark, heck I may not even have gotten that far. To be honest with you, I don’t remember. It’s all kind of a blur. It’s been years of me half-assing it, trying to make it seem like I cared.

In reality I didn’t care, I just didn’t want to be seen as that fat girl who didn’t do anything to change her situation. In hindsight, all those stops and starts were really annoying. I would tell everyone I was going to lose weight & I’d be successful for a few weeks, then something would happen and I would give up. I really am disappointed in myself about those stops & starts. If I would have never stopped, I would already be where I want to be.

Regardless though, my friends and family would always be behind me. No matter if I lost 5 pounds and then I was done or not.

Something finally clicked in my head though this January. I can’t do this just because I want to. This is work, this is hard work. I decided to tell everybody that I know what I’m doing. I’m blessed that a group of friends that I work with decided to do this with me. They are the same ones who have had my back every time I’ve decided to this. The difference is this time, I am in this. So are they!

Without the support of those around me, I know that I couldn’t do this. One of my friends told me it’s my willpower doing this and I’m doing it alone. That’s not the case in my mind. I feel like we’re all part of a sorority, willing to help each other when we need it. I need help walking. I absolutely hate it, but I love the little bit of exercise it gives me. There are some days that I feel like I can’t go on. Those days my friends are in front of me, encouraging me to continue going. There are days when I feel like I have made no progress. My husband is there reminding me I’ve lost almost 20 pounds.

This is not something I’m doing alone. I have a village. I am truly thankful for every one of the people supporting me. I read every comment left & I appreciate every kind word said. It means everything to me and keeps me going!

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Two things this week have been amazing! I was able to move my steering wheel ALL THE way down. I haven't done that in I don't know how long. My belly was either in the way or it touched it. It doesn't do that anymore. And.....the 3 ladies I am basically losing weight with at work have done awesome as well. Since we all started this together (keep in mind one started in late November)..we've lost 78 pounds. I am extremely proud of us!

Addiction....

Addiction to Food?? Really??

This week I've done a lot of soul-searching about this journey I've been on. So far in the first 5 weeks of the year, I've lost almost 13 pounds. The ticker on the side rounds up. I've really lost 12.7 pounds. I've done a lot of wondering about how I let myself get this way. In the past I've had a lot of excuses. The way I grew up, the fact that I was born pre-mature – the list goes on and on.

But...this is the year without excuses. Right? I began to wonder...has my family history played into my weight – just a little bit? Not as an excuse, but as a reason to understand.

My family has a history of addiction, on both sides. My cousin and I talked about this once. We laughed and said we'd rather be addicted to food rather than what the rest of our family is addicted to. Alcohol, hard core drugs, prescription drugs. Now I'm not so sure. I've thought about it a lot. Is it really better to be addicted to food?

In my mind (in the past), I made myself feel better about the food addiction by again making excuses. I told myself that at least I wasn't hurting myself or my family. At least I wasn't spending all my money on drugs. At least I wasn't zoned out of my mind all the time. At least I wasn't so drunk that I couldn't function. Now I realize that I was wrong. Very wrong.

An addiction to food can hurt you. It can cause you die young of a heart attack. It can cause you to be in so much physical pain – because of being overweight – that it can make you take medicine to make yourself feel better. It can cause you so much mental pain that it can also make you take medication to make yourself feel better.

There is no GOOD addiction. They all affect you badly in some way. I'm through making excuses for mine. I'm breaking this addiction. One pound at a time. As I posted on my facebook. I am refusing to let other people's bad decisions, stupidity, and lack of regard for those around them affect me! Last year I would have reached for a pint of ice cream, today I went shopping for nail polish. I will not be derailed because others don't know when to grow up!

- - - - - -

This week, I am going to try something new. Like I did with the coffee a few weeks ago. I'm going to try to make some roasted vegetables in the oven like the anonymous commenter suggested last week. I've never been a huge vegetable eater, but I'm working on it! I'm working very hard on me and I'm starting to like who I am.

Realization and Normality

Today, I came to an amazing realization. It may end up being a very important realization, but I truly won’t know until I’m at the end of my journey.

I ate lunch out today.

Why is this significant? Today is the first day besides my ‘cheat’ day a week that I have ordered lunch out at work. It’s amazing how food can affect how you feel. I can’t believe I’ve never noticed before.

Originally, I ordered a children’s grilled chicken breast and fries. Instead they gave me two fried chicken fingers and fries. Not an hour after I ate, I was dragging. I mean really dragging. I haven’t done this in roughly 2 weeks. Since I've been on this lifestyle change I've eaten what I'm supposed to when I'm supposed to and my cheat days have really been my only cheat days.

I see why now!

I felt sick, I felt greasy, I was SO tired! It was horrible! On top of it all, it didn't taste as good as I remembered. So it was pretty disappointing. Scratch that, it was majorly disappointing!

I'm trying to decide if this means I'm over the hump. That I've broken my 'addiction' to fast food. Before I literally craved it. Now, not so much.

Michael and I now have usually one night a week that we go out to eat and I track those calories. It's usually Friday night which is my cheat night. I've been pretty good about keeping within my calories even on my cheat night.

Really though, food cooked at home tastes good to me. Before it didn't, but now it does. I'm very aware of the fact though that it will take a small shift in the way I feel about something to cause me to derail. I have to keep going at this, I have to make this first nature to me. Instead of when I get off work wanting to drop by McDonald's and getting a 20 piece chicken nugget, I have to want to get off work and WANT to go home and cook dinner.

It's a process, but it's a process I'm working towards. It's a process that may be a lifetime thing for me. It may never become first nature for me. I hope and pray that it does, but if it doesn't, that's just something I'll have to learn to deal with.

Nobody said this would be easy and so far it hasn't been. But I love the way I feel about myself right now and I love seeing the numbers on the scales get smaller each week. For now, I'm going to have to build on that and hope that
one day my entire life won't revolve around food.

I want to be normal........

-I also turned on commenting for anonymous for those of you who were saying that you couldn't comment. Please comment away! Give me strength!!-

Trying New Things....

Trying New Things

One of the things that being overweight has kept me from doing is trying new things. This applies everywhere in my life. From the food I eat to the vacations I take. From the food I eat? What? You might be saying. Well let me explain.

It’s been so easy, basically all my life, to be afraid of change. To not want anything at all to change. It almost like this extra weight I have on my body is my security blanket. If I have it there between me and the rest of the world then it keeps me from having to put myself out there. It helps me to be a loner.

This past year though, I’ve opened myself up. I’ve made new friends and tried new things. My point of view is changing. My tastes are changing. Before, it wasn’t unheard of me to say “I don’t like that!”, without ever really trying it. I know, I know, people who know me in everyday life are dying of surprise.

But I am now a changed woman. If I don’t really know if I like it or not, I’m taking the chance and trying it. Whether it be one of those vegetables I thought nasty before or doing a few lunges in the privacy of my own home. I’m not ready to do those down the hallway like some co-workers of mine.

The point is, sometimes I put myself into this little, lonely hole. Why I don’t know. People seem to like me. I seem funny. I seem like I’m someone who is a very good friend. I have people that tell me that – maybe not on a day to day basis, but more than occasionally. However for the past few years, it’s seemed like I haven’t felt worthy of it MYSELF. Like I thought because I let myself get this way I shouldn’t have fun, I shouldn’t have friends, I shouldn’t be loved by others. It’s a very dark place to be in and a very lonely place.

But that’s the funny thing. You become comfortable with your own thoughts, with your own company. You begin to like it and get irritated at those who try to encroach on it. It took my husband, who I love dearly, really hurting my feelings about a year ago to make me to want to start to change.

Gradually, I built up some relationships and friendships. It wasn’t easy. For someone who hates change, it was odd for me to say I had someone to do things with. Then one person turned into two, and two turned into three, and three turned into four. Am I EVER going to be the life of the party? I don’t think so, but there is absolutely no reason I should let the way I LOOK affect how I FEEL about myself that much.

It’s shameful really. I missed out on people who could have been the best friends of my life. I purposely stayed away from things that I knew would be fun. I was miserable and depressed half the time and didn’t even see it.

But I do now.

While I do like my own company for the most part, I’ve learned a LOT in the past six months to a year. I’m kind of entertaining. I LIKE margarita nights with the girls and the occasional husband. I LIKE getting together to make crafts. I LIKE meeting at Barnes and Noble to discuss books. I LIKE going to see Brantley Gilbert play, even if it means having heat stroke in the middle of July.

But the two most important things I’ve learned? I’m the only one who can hold myself back and if you don’t try things, you’ll really never know if you like them or not.

Reason's I Want to Lose Weight

Reason’s I Want to Lose Weight.

1. To be healthier - I’m sick of going to my yearly physical that is required by my job and worrying about what they are going to tell me. Is this going to be the year they put me on some kind of medication for something? I’m 30 years old. I don’t want to be on any kind of medication. It’s even sad that I’m thinking that. It speaks a lot about the world that we live in - that I’m even thinking that as being some sort of solution before I thought of losing weight. I also don’t want to be the one slowing people down when I go walking with them. I want to be able to keep up with everyone else and not sound like the big bad wolf when he huffs and puffs the house down.

2. To wear ’regular’ clothes - I want to walk into a regular store in the mall and walk out with a bag of clothes. I don’t want to have to go to the ‘bigger women’ store or section of the store. I want to wear cute boots and not have to worry about them fitting over my huge calves. I want to be able to wrap a regular towel around myself when I get out of the shower. I don’t want it to be one of the beach towels. How embarrassing is that?

3. To feel good about myself - Most people who know me might not know exactly how bad about myself I feel. For the most part, I’m the one usually cracking jokes and making most of my friends laugh. I enjoy being that person most of the time, but it covers how I REALLY feel. In the back of my mind I’m always thinking horrible thoughts when I’m out with my friends. Do people wonder what the fat girl is doing out with the skinny girls? When I’m out by myself, I imagine people staring at me, wondering how I let myself get this way. I wonder how I let myself get this way. I haven’t even had children yet & here I am struggling with my weight.

4. I want to fit EVERYWHERE! - People who have never lived this life don’t know this fear. It usually makes me sweat and puts me in a bad mood. I tend to lash out at others, not meaning to when I get nervous about things like this, but it’s very embarrassing to me. I’m 5 foot so what extra weight I have is not dispersed in a whole lot of places. I have a large stomach. I don’t want to wonder if I’m going to fit in the booth if we go out to eat. I don’t want to wonder if the seatbelt is going to fit over me in some else’s car. I don’t want to be the reason someone can’t get past me when I’m sitting in the break room at work.

I have a lot more reasons that I want to lose weight, but these are the ones that are the most shameful for me. These are the reasons that I most want to lose weight. I’m leaving these here for a reminder that nothing tastes as good as being in shape feels.