Compassion

Compassion

You may notice I haven't written in the past few weeks. It's just because I really haven't had a whole lot to say. Everything is going the way it should be as far as my weight loss. It's continuing at a great pace and I'm super excited about hitting 50 pounds!

I saw something a few days ago that I decided I wanted to write about here. Most of you may have seen the video of the elderly, overweight, bus monitor who got completely ridiculed by the students she was monitoring on the bus. If you haven't, you should really go watch it and make your kids, nieces, nephews, little cousins, or anyone else who is at an age that is impressionable. It broke my heart.

This woman – 68 years old and still working was just doing a job. She was sitting there, minding her own business when these teenagers started calling her every foul name in the book. They ridicule her about her weight, calling her a fat ass. Then they ridicule her about the fact that she's probably poor. They even go so far as to say that her family probably wants to kill themselves to not be around her because she's so fat.

If that had been an impressionable teen who felt bad about themselves, about their weight. Who knows? They may have gone home and done just that.

The lack of compassion and human decency from these kids just astounds me. Where they not taught right from wrong? Do they not believe that everyone has feelings? Do they not realize what kind of scars they leave on others?

It brought back many memories for myself. In high school, I had a great group of friends that never said anything about me. However, there were a few who said things and even when I'd walk on the street. I can still remember someone saying that I was so fat, if you broke my leg gravy would pour out. I can remember being at the movies and walking to the car and someone making a mooing noise and calling me a fat ass. That happened when I was a teenager. I am going on 31 years old and I still remember it. Those things hurt and if you have some sort of misconception that by making fun of someone you're 'helping' them. Let me assure you, it doesn't help at all. It makes you want to go home and eat more. It makes your self-esteem drop and it makes you feel worthless.

Just because people are different than you, whether they have a disability, are overweight, or all tattooed and pierced up – doesn't mean they aren't a human being. We should have all been taught common courtesy and human decency. If we lose that as people, then we have nothing. Change starts with one of us. We must teach the younger generation this – especially with the reports that half the nation will be obese in 20 years. It does no good to try and 'shame' them. Trust me, they have enough shame coming from their own thoughts.

Live by the golden rule, treat others the way you want to be treated and you will see just how amazing of a life you can have.

I am glad to say, I've overcome a lot of my past. I'm almost halfway to my goal. That bus monitor, the world has donated over $300,000 to give her a better life. Those people who called me names, I have no idea where they are. Those boys who made fun of the bus monitor could be facing criminal charges. There are consequences for the actions you make and words you say, so please choose them carefully. You never know when that one word you say will push someone over the edge.

Instead, wouldn't you prefer for that one word you say to be the catalyst that pushes someone to do something positive and change their life forever? Positivity never hurt anyone. Negativity has killed many a dream.

What's your decision?

Confidence....oh where did you go????

When I weighed-in this week, I realized something. I weigh less now than I did when I was 21 years old. I need to get down about another 26 pounds to weigh what I did when I was 19, but I'll get there! When I was 20 I went on Weight Watchers for the first time (of many)! That only lasted about 5 months.

It's amazing how long I've been 'trying' to lose weight. I don't feel like I've ever succeeded until now. Truthfully I've not 'succeeded' yet though. I have a long way to go. I still worry every week that this may be the week I decide not to do this anymore. Sometimes when I'm logging food or going for my daily walks, I think is this ever going to be done? I long for the days when I don't have to be so focused on it. Then I realize that for me, I'm always going to have to be focused on it. I don't think I can ever allow myself to go 'off this wagon'.

I struggle with those thoughts almost every day. I wonder where my confidence in myself went to. Granted, I have more confidence now than I did when I weighed 44 pounds heavier, but I don't have nearly the confidence I had at 21. Weighing what I weigh now and at 21 is so different. Then I thought....I'm cute.  Now I'm like...damn girl your arms are huge!  It's so different now at 30 and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I had retreated so far into myself with the feelings of not being worthy of anything because I was so heavy. Maybe it's because I had sunken so deep in thoughts that everything good about me was focused on what I weighed.

I'm trying to get over it – I really am, but it's a struggle. I want that confidence that I had back. Before I wondered if people were staring at me and laughing, before I worried about fitting everywhere.

It'll get here, slowly but surely. Just like my journey, but once I get it. I'm never losing it again!  I'm going to try and focus on what that saying up top says and try to forget about pointless and useless things.  What matters is I am doing this and I will get to an end point.  I just can't allow myself to get so wrapped up in the little things that are just that...little things that cause distractions. 

For now, I'm going to focus on my 50 pounds and trying to run a little bit every day.  I'm going to try not to waste any of the time I have here because none of us are guaranteed tomorrow....

Choices - I'm Making The Right Ones!

Little changes are becoming apparent in my day to day life that make me think this lifestyle change may actually be taking root in my brain. I may actually be making SMART decisions when it comes to choices I'm given.

Examples 1 & 2

My husband and I were at Walmart grocery shopping last night. It was a process as we went later than we normally go, it was super crowded, and neither one of us were in the best of moods. We were looking for one more snack for him. Something that he can eat and it not be too caloric. Going up and down the aisles was beginning to wear on us both. He had tried the frozen pineapple that you can get in the frozen section. I believe it's by Dole. It's already in it's own little cup and already cut up into a serving size. I love the strawberries, but he doesn't like the texture of the frozen fruit. So as we were wondering up and down the aisles and my patience was wearing thin, we came to the canned fruit aisle. He grabbed a can of fruit and looked at the back and cursed loudly when he realized it was much more than he wanted to spend calorie wise and then asked me how my frozen fruit was so much less. I told him I figured it was the difference in that the canned fruit is in sugar water and the frozen fruit is just by itself. Deciding to put it back, he started looking at other things in the same aisle. I spotted the apple sauce and asked if he liked it. He said ohhh sweet, in the way normally does (if you know him) and asked me if I liked it. I immediately said no and then the light bulb went off. I said I take that back. In the past I didn't like it, I'm not sure if I do now or not, so I will have to try it again.

That brings me to example number 2. When we were FINALLY done in the boughs of hell that was Walmart on Saturday evening we were both hungry. In fact I think that's why I was so impatient and grouchy. I'm on an eating schedule now. He asked if we had enough calories to eat out, I told him that I KNEW I did. He said he did too. We were right at the Walmart by Zaxby's and I could TASTE that Hot Honey Mustard Chicken Finger in my mouth. I made the suggestion and hubby said we could go there, but he would have to get something small. That's when it hit me. He weighs in on Monday and here I am encouraging him to cheat on a day that is NOT a designated cheat day. I felt like poo on the bottom of my shoe. I told him that he's supported me so much that it's wrong of me not to support him. Instead we went to Subway. Which reminds me, I will DEFINITELY be getting the flatbread there from now on. The bread there is KILLER to the calorie count. Small steps!

Example 3

Last Thursday work ordered Griffs. Griffs is probably my FAVORITE sandwich place here in town. I normally get a wrap from there and I wanted it, badly! But alas my weigh-in day is Friday and I knew that I was heading towards a good weigh-in. I resisted temptation. It was rough, but then when I heard everyone else commiserating on how full they were and how miserable they were, I knew that I had made the right choice. I knew that even more when I weighed on Friday and saw a weight loss of over 2 pounds. However, I was still craving that Griffs. Instead I decided to make my own at home. It ended up being awesome and so good! I'm going to end up having some for lunch this week instead of my frozen meals.

Example 4

Friday night Michael and I went to Mariah's for our cheat meal. I had saved quiet a few calories, so I was looking at a steak on the menu. I looked and what I saw was a 10 ounce. That's what I was going to have – even thought it was a bit bigger than what I wanted. So when the waitress came back to take our order, she asked me if I wanted the entree or the classic. In the past, I would have just said entree, because that's what I saw on the menu and that's what I had my mind set on. Instead, I asked what the difference was and she told me that the classic was a 6 ounce steak. I said give me that one instead. It ended up being just enough food with my side. I wasn't miserable when I was done. I was content.

I'm starting to learn what that means to be content and I'm starting to learn what it means to leave a little bit on your plate. I feel so much better about being content rather than being stuffed. It's not nearly as tiring.

My thought process is changing and I'm finding out things about myself that I never really knew. It's going to be an ongoing mental process my entire life, I think. At least I'm making better choices now though and I am fully thinking things through. It will all come easier once I get to the 6 week mark – or so I've heard. I haven't gotten to the 6 week mark in anything like this since I was 21 years old. My mind is where it should be, I just have to make sure it stays there.

This week, my new adventure is coffee!

I sincerely want to thank all my family, friends, friends of friends, and people I don't know for the support you've shown me so far. I love you all and I truly don't know what I would do without every single one of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Realization and Normality

Today, I came to an amazing realization. It may end up being a very important realization, but I truly won’t know until I’m at the end of my journey.

I ate lunch out today.

Why is this significant? Today is the first day besides my ‘cheat’ day a week that I have ordered lunch out at work. It’s amazing how food can affect how you feel. I can’t believe I’ve never noticed before.

Originally, I ordered a children’s grilled chicken breast and fries. Instead they gave me two fried chicken fingers and fries. Not an hour after I ate, I was dragging. I mean really dragging. I haven’t done this in roughly 2 weeks. Since I've been on this lifestyle change I've eaten what I'm supposed to when I'm supposed to and my cheat days have really been my only cheat days.

I see why now!

I felt sick, I felt greasy, I was SO tired! It was horrible! On top of it all, it didn't taste as good as I remembered. So it was pretty disappointing. Scratch that, it was majorly disappointing!

I'm trying to decide if this means I'm over the hump. That I've broken my 'addiction' to fast food. Before I literally craved it. Now, not so much.

Michael and I now have usually one night a week that we go out to eat and I track those calories. It's usually Friday night which is my cheat night. I've been pretty good about keeping within my calories even on my cheat night.

Really though, food cooked at home tastes good to me. Before it didn't, but now it does. I'm very aware of the fact though that it will take a small shift in the way I feel about something to cause me to derail. I have to keep going at this, I have to make this first nature to me. Instead of when I get off work wanting to drop by McDonald's and getting a 20 piece chicken nugget, I have to want to get off work and WANT to go home and cook dinner.

It's a process, but it's a process I'm working towards. It's a process that may be a lifetime thing for me. It may never become first nature for me. I hope and pray that it does, but if it doesn't, that's just something I'll have to learn to deal with.

Nobody said this would be easy and so far it hasn't been. But I love the way I feel about myself right now and I love seeing the numbers on the scales get smaller each week. For now, I'm going to have to build on that and hope that
one day my entire life won't revolve around food.

I want to be normal........

-I also turned on commenting for anonymous for those of you who were saying that you couldn't comment. Please comment away! Give me strength!!-

Trying New Things....

Trying New Things

One of the things that being overweight has kept me from doing is trying new things. This applies everywhere in my life. From the food I eat to the vacations I take. From the food I eat? What? You might be saying. Well let me explain.

It’s been so easy, basically all my life, to be afraid of change. To not want anything at all to change. It almost like this extra weight I have on my body is my security blanket. If I have it there between me and the rest of the world then it keeps me from having to put myself out there. It helps me to be a loner.

This past year though, I’ve opened myself up. I’ve made new friends and tried new things. My point of view is changing. My tastes are changing. Before, it wasn’t unheard of me to say “I don’t like that!”, without ever really trying it. I know, I know, people who know me in everyday life are dying of surprise.

But I am now a changed woman. If I don’t really know if I like it or not, I’m taking the chance and trying it. Whether it be one of those vegetables I thought nasty before or doing a few lunges in the privacy of my own home. I’m not ready to do those down the hallway like some co-workers of mine.

The point is, sometimes I put myself into this little, lonely hole. Why I don’t know. People seem to like me. I seem funny. I seem like I’m someone who is a very good friend. I have people that tell me that – maybe not on a day to day basis, but more than occasionally. However for the past few years, it’s seemed like I haven’t felt worthy of it MYSELF. Like I thought because I let myself get this way I shouldn’t have fun, I shouldn’t have friends, I shouldn’t be loved by others. It’s a very dark place to be in and a very lonely place.

But that’s the funny thing. You become comfortable with your own thoughts, with your own company. You begin to like it and get irritated at those who try to encroach on it. It took my husband, who I love dearly, really hurting my feelings about a year ago to make me to want to start to change.

Gradually, I built up some relationships and friendships. It wasn’t easy. For someone who hates change, it was odd for me to say I had someone to do things with. Then one person turned into two, and two turned into three, and three turned into four. Am I EVER going to be the life of the party? I don’t think so, but there is absolutely no reason I should let the way I LOOK affect how I FEEL about myself that much.

It’s shameful really. I missed out on people who could have been the best friends of my life. I purposely stayed away from things that I knew would be fun. I was miserable and depressed half the time and didn’t even see it.

But I do now.

While I do like my own company for the most part, I’ve learned a LOT in the past six months to a year. I’m kind of entertaining. I LIKE margarita nights with the girls and the occasional husband. I LIKE getting together to make crafts. I LIKE meeting at Barnes and Noble to discuss books. I LIKE going to see Brantley Gilbert play, even if it means having heat stroke in the middle of July.

But the two most important things I’ve learned? I’m the only one who can hold myself back and if you don’t try things, you’ll really never know if you like them or not.