Mentality....

For the second time in two months, I have hit a goal. I have been successful! Successful!!! I can't tell you the last time I did that when it comes to weight loss. I feel like I've been failing at it for 9 years. Because of that, it's hard for me to realize that I AM doing this. I AM succeeding.

It's never been harder than it has been this week. I think that an incident last Sunday triggered it. There was a 60^th birthday party for a family member at a Mexican Restaurant. In an attempt to walk some of it off, my husband and I went walking around the local mall. I was complaining about my clothes being too big, so I was kind of looking at things I may be able to get. When we were in one store, I saw a shirt that I really, really liked. I knew that there was no way I could fit into it, but Michael convinced me to try it on.

I couldn't get it over my chest.

Talk about disappointment. I felt like a failure, I felt embarrassed, I cried. It was really horrible and it really took me to Wednesday to recover from it. In the end, I learned that it actually was a Junior's size and neither one of us noticed that. I learned that on Monday, but I still felt horrible about myself. I felt larger than I did at my top weight. I was completely uncomfortable about everything to do with myself. Until I saw a picture comparison of where I started out & where I am now. If you are on this journey – TAKE PICTURES!!!!! Without those, I would still be a complete depressed mess and probably would have stopped. It's sad, but it's true. And this blog is nothing – if not the truth.

Instead of stopping though, I looked at those pictures. I gave myself a pep talk and reminded myself of how far I had come. Then I went to Fashion Bug – where I knew I could fit into the clothes and surprised myself. I got into the smaller size down shirt (two sizes smaller in a different cut) and the next smaller size of jeans (which would be 2 sizes since that's the way they go). That was tangible & I felt much better about myself.

Michael also made the comment that he thinks I'm now in better physical shape than him. That has NEVER happened and made me feel good. He also got us Your Shape Fitness Evolved for the Kinetic. I ran for 3 straight minutes without stopping. I couldn't have done that two months ago.

This is going to be a mental game for me – seeing myself at a smaller weight & being able to accept the compliments that people are giving me. It's hard to do, but I'm working on it. I'm also working on being realistic in my goals and not letting one little thing set me back.

Again, the only person that can stop me is myself!

Support...

In my 7^th week of my lifestyle change, I want to talk about something that has come to mean everything to me. The support of my friends & family.

The reason this means so much to me is because I am the girl who cried ‘wolf’. You may not understand that, so let me explain.

The last time I was ‘serious’ about losing weight was back when I was 21 years old. That was the last time I really lost weight – meaning over 20 pounds. That January to May, I lost right at 30 pounds. I was just starting to feel good about myself and then I de-railed. I don’t remember what happened that made me de-rail. Maybe I got cocky. Knowing myself, that’s a good possibility.

Since then, I have tried to lose weight at least once a year – every year. So for almost 10 years I’ve tried to lose weight. I’ve never gotten over the 15-20 pound mark, heck I may not even have gotten that far. To be honest with you, I don’t remember. It’s all kind of a blur. It’s been years of me half-assing it, trying to make it seem like I cared.

In reality I didn’t care, I just didn’t want to be seen as that fat girl who didn’t do anything to change her situation. In hindsight, all those stops and starts were really annoying. I would tell everyone I was going to lose weight & I’d be successful for a few weeks, then something would happen and I would give up. I really am disappointed in myself about those stops & starts. If I would have never stopped, I would already be where I want to be.

Regardless though, my friends and family would always be behind me. No matter if I lost 5 pounds and then I was done or not.

Something finally clicked in my head though this January. I can’t do this just because I want to. This is work, this is hard work. I decided to tell everybody that I know what I’m doing. I’m blessed that a group of friends that I work with decided to do this with me. They are the same ones who have had my back every time I’ve decided to this. The difference is this time, I am in this. So are they!

Without the support of those around me, I know that I couldn’t do this. One of my friends told me it’s my willpower doing this and I’m doing it alone. That’s not the case in my mind. I feel like we’re all part of a sorority, willing to help each other when we need it. I need help walking. I absolutely hate it, but I love the little bit of exercise it gives me. There are some days that I feel like I can’t go on. Those days my friends are in front of me, encouraging me to continue going. There are days when I feel like I have made no progress. My husband is there reminding me I’ve lost almost 20 pounds.

This is not something I’m doing alone. I have a village. I am truly thankful for every one of the people supporting me. I read every comment left & I appreciate every kind word said. It means everything to me and keeps me going!

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Two things this week have been amazing! I was able to move my steering wheel ALL THE way down. I haven't done that in I don't know how long. My belly was either in the way or it touched it. It doesn't do that anymore. And.....the 3 ladies I am basically losing weight with at work have done awesome as well. Since we all started this together (keep in mind one started in late November)..we've lost 78 pounds. I am extremely proud of us!

Quality of Life

This week I’ve been really involved in My Fitness Pal. One of the people over there that I’m following mentioned her husband was wishy washy about her weight loss initiative. Half the time he was really behind her, half the time he wasn’t.

His reasoning? You only have one life to live.

Say what? It’s true, we do only have one life to live. But who chooses to live it like this?

Who wants to be worried if you can run fast enough or far enough to outrun the zombies in the apocalypse? Who wants to be worried if you’ll be able to be old enough to have grandchildren? Who wants to be worried if you’ll ever be able to have someone lift you off your feet and spend you around?

We are given one life – that’s true. But what about our quality of life? Those of us stuck in this rut and in these bodies have no quality. We may be happy sure, but how much happier could we be? We’ll never know until we take the chance to be everything that we can. For me, that means being a person who is in shape and can enjoy doing WHATEVER I want to do with my life.

I’m sick of being the person who is huffing and puffing as I bring up the rear when we’re going on walks. I don’t have to be the lead person, but I want to at least be able to ‘go with the flow’. I want to go back to Gatlinburg to Wonder Works and be able to do the cool stuff without hitting that weight limit. I want to go back to Disney World and not dread that walk from the bus to the park. Then dread the entire walk around the park. The whole time I was there on my honeymoon, no less, all I could think about was ‘how much further am I going to have to walk today’. I couldn’t really enjoy myself. Granted, I had pulled a muscle in my leg, but I have no doubt that it would have still been like that. I want to get up at 7AM, go to a park when it opens, have them open those gates and know that I can walk until 7PM that night and still be ready to go. I want that, badly.

I’m going to get it this time. Because that’s what I’m after – a great quality of life!

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To the person who said to try roasted vegetables....I did & they are amazing! Thank you!!

Addiction....

Addiction to Food?? Really??

This week I've done a lot of soul-searching about this journey I've been on. So far in the first 5 weeks of the year, I've lost almost 13 pounds. The ticker on the side rounds up. I've really lost 12.7 pounds. I've done a lot of wondering about how I let myself get this way. In the past I've had a lot of excuses. The way I grew up, the fact that I was born pre-mature – the list goes on and on.

But...this is the year without excuses. Right? I began to wonder...has my family history played into my weight – just a little bit? Not as an excuse, but as a reason to understand.

My family has a history of addiction, on both sides. My cousin and I talked about this once. We laughed and said we'd rather be addicted to food rather than what the rest of our family is addicted to. Alcohol, hard core drugs, prescription drugs. Now I'm not so sure. I've thought about it a lot. Is it really better to be addicted to food?

In my mind (in the past), I made myself feel better about the food addiction by again making excuses. I told myself that at least I wasn't hurting myself or my family. At least I wasn't spending all my money on drugs. At least I wasn't zoned out of my mind all the time. At least I wasn't so drunk that I couldn't function. Now I realize that I was wrong. Very wrong.

An addiction to food can hurt you. It can cause you die young of a heart attack. It can cause you to be in so much physical pain – because of being overweight – that it can make you take medicine to make yourself feel better. It can cause you so much mental pain that it can also make you take medication to make yourself feel better.

There is no GOOD addiction. They all affect you badly in some way. I'm through making excuses for mine. I'm breaking this addiction. One pound at a time. As I posted on my facebook. I am refusing to let other people's bad decisions, stupidity, and lack of regard for those around them affect me! Last year I would have reached for a pint of ice cream, today I went shopping for nail polish. I will not be derailed because others don't know when to grow up!

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This week, I am going to try something new. Like I did with the coffee a few weeks ago. I'm going to try to make some roasted vegetables in the oven like the anonymous commenter suggested last week. I've never been a huge vegetable eater, but I'm working on it! I'm working very hard on me and I'm starting to like who I am.

Reached A Goal!!

At the end of my first four weeks of my lifestyle change, I have lost 10.3 pounds. I hit the goal of 10 pounds that I wanted to reach in the first month of weight loss. It feels great!!!!!

To put that into perspective....

• 2 Chihuahua's

• A sack of potatoes

• an Easter ham

• Half of my cat Beau Beau (he's pleasantly plump)

On top of what I've lost, I've learned a lot as well!

I've learned that it is much easier to do this when you tell everyone that you are planning to lose weight! You may get a lot of other people involved with you! Seven of the nine people that I work with have also decided to try and lose weight. Together all of us want to lose a combined total of 465 pounds. Yesterday was the first day that we started weighing in. With four of us weighing in we lost a total of 10 pounds!

I've learned that the hunger pains hit worse when I'm bored. Proving that I'm probably not really hungry, just bored! When that happens, I try to get up and do something. I think Michael is sick of seeing me clean house! I've found though that if I keep busy, it's easier for me to reach my goals.

I've learned I like home cooked food more than I thought I would. Of course it's a pain to clean up and such, but now when I eat out, it doesn't taste as good as it used to. I don't crave it like I did the first few weeks of this journey.

I've learned that there are so many people who feel the same way as I do. Whether it be messages on facebook, emails, texts, or telling me in person – I've never felt like such a part of a group. Here, I thought I was lonely and I thought I was the only one that ever had these feelings of inadequacy. It's nice to know I'm not!!!!

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My caffeine experiment this week has gone better than I thought. I've had some and been a bit grouchy, but for the most part I've stayed away from Coke. I'm starting small because I have NEVER liked coffee at all. This week I've been drinking the small Starbucks bottles of Vanilla Frappe. At 200 calories it's still less calories than what I was drinking with my morning Coke. This weekend, I found some of the 'light' version that's only 100 calories. If I could get used to the taste of coffee in the orginal Frappe, then I can get used to the less calorie one. Like everything I've done so far, this coffee thing will be a process. If I can really taste the coffee in a Vanilla Frappe, then this may be a very long process!!

Choices - I'm Making The Right Ones!

Little changes are becoming apparent in my day to day life that make me think this lifestyle change may actually be taking root in my brain. I may actually be making SMART decisions when it comes to choices I'm given.

Examples 1 & 2

My husband and I were at Walmart grocery shopping last night. It was a process as we went later than we normally go, it was super crowded, and neither one of us were in the best of moods. We were looking for one more snack for him. Something that he can eat and it not be too caloric. Going up and down the aisles was beginning to wear on us both. He had tried the frozen pineapple that you can get in the frozen section. I believe it's by Dole. It's already in it's own little cup and already cut up into a serving size. I love the strawberries, but he doesn't like the texture of the frozen fruit. So as we were wondering up and down the aisles and my patience was wearing thin, we came to the canned fruit aisle. He grabbed a can of fruit and looked at the back and cursed loudly when he realized it was much more than he wanted to spend calorie wise and then asked me how my frozen fruit was so much less. I told him I figured it was the difference in that the canned fruit is in sugar water and the frozen fruit is just by itself. Deciding to put it back, he started looking at other things in the same aisle. I spotted the apple sauce and asked if he liked it. He said ohhh sweet, in the way normally does (if you know him) and asked me if I liked it. I immediately said no and then the light bulb went off. I said I take that back. In the past I didn't like it, I'm not sure if I do now or not, so I will have to try it again.

That brings me to example number 2. When we were FINALLY done in the boughs of hell that was Walmart on Saturday evening we were both hungry. In fact I think that's why I was so impatient and grouchy. I'm on an eating schedule now. He asked if we had enough calories to eat out, I told him that I KNEW I did. He said he did too. We were right at the Walmart by Zaxby's and I could TASTE that Hot Honey Mustard Chicken Finger in my mouth. I made the suggestion and hubby said we could go there, but he would have to get something small. That's when it hit me. He weighs in on Monday and here I am encouraging him to cheat on a day that is NOT a designated cheat day. I felt like poo on the bottom of my shoe. I told him that he's supported me so much that it's wrong of me not to support him. Instead we went to Subway. Which reminds me, I will DEFINITELY be getting the flatbread there from now on. The bread there is KILLER to the calorie count. Small steps!

Example 3

Last Thursday work ordered Griffs. Griffs is probably my FAVORITE sandwich place here in town. I normally get a wrap from there and I wanted it, badly! But alas my weigh-in day is Friday and I knew that I was heading towards a good weigh-in. I resisted temptation. It was rough, but then when I heard everyone else commiserating on how full they were and how miserable they were, I knew that I had made the right choice. I knew that even more when I weighed on Friday and saw a weight loss of over 2 pounds. However, I was still craving that Griffs. Instead I decided to make my own at home. It ended up being awesome and so good! I'm going to end up having some for lunch this week instead of my frozen meals.

Example 4

Friday night Michael and I went to Mariah's for our cheat meal. I had saved quiet a few calories, so I was looking at a steak on the menu. I looked and what I saw was a 10 ounce. That's what I was going to have – even thought it was a bit bigger than what I wanted. So when the waitress came back to take our order, she asked me if I wanted the entree or the classic. In the past, I would have just said entree, because that's what I saw on the menu and that's what I had my mind set on. Instead, I asked what the difference was and she told me that the classic was a 6 ounce steak. I said give me that one instead. It ended up being just enough food with my side. I wasn't miserable when I was done. I was content.

I'm starting to learn what that means to be content and I'm starting to learn what it means to leave a little bit on your plate. I feel so much better about being content rather than being stuffed. It's not nearly as tiring.

My thought process is changing and I'm finding out things about myself that I never really knew. It's going to be an ongoing mental process my entire life, I think. At least I'm making better choices now though and I am fully thinking things through. It will all come easier once I get to the 6 week mark – or so I've heard. I haven't gotten to the 6 week mark in anything like this since I was 21 years old. My mind is where it should be, I just have to make sure it stays there.

This week, my new adventure is coffee!

I sincerely want to thank all my family, friends, friends of friends, and people I don't know for the support you've shown me so far. I love you all and I truly don't know what I would do without every single one of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Truth!!!

Saw this today and it hit home!!!!