Compassion

Compassion

You may notice I haven't written in the past few weeks. It's just because I really haven't had a whole lot to say. Everything is going the way it should be as far as my weight loss. It's continuing at a great pace and I'm super excited about hitting 50 pounds!

I saw something a few days ago that I decided I wanted to write about here. Most of you may have seen the video of the elderly, overweight, bus monitor who got completely ridiculed by the students she was monitoring on the bus. If you haven't, you should really go watch it and make your kids, nieces, nephews, little cousins, or anyone else who is at an age that is impressionable. It broke my heart.

This woman – 68 years old and still working was just doing a job. She was sitting there, minding her own business when these teenagers started calling her every foul name in the book. They ridicule her about her weight, calling her a fat ass. Then they ridicule her about the fact that she's probably poor. They even go so far as to say that her family probably wants to kill themselves to not be around her because she's so fat.

If that had been an impressionable teen who felt bad about themselves, about their weight. Who knows? They may have gone home and done just that.

The lack of compassion and human decency from these kids just astounds me. Where they not taught right from wrong? Do they not believe that everyone has feelings? Do they not realize what kind of scars they leave on others?

It brought back many memories for myself. In high school, I had a great group of friends that never said anything about me. However, there were a few who said things and even when I'd walk on the street. I can still remember someone saying that I was so fat, if you broke my leg gravy would pour out. I can remember being at the movies and walking to the car and someone making a mooing noise and calling me a fat ass. That happened when I was a teenager. I am going on 31 years old and I still remember it. Those things hurt and if you have some sort of misconception that by making fun of someone you're 'helping' them. Let me assure you, it doesn't help at all. It makes you want to go home and eat more. It makes your self-esteem drop and it makes you feel worthless.

Just because people are different than you, whether they have a disability, are overweight, or all tattooed and pierced up – doesn't mean they aren't a human being. We should have all been taught common courtesy and human decency. If we lose that as people, then we have nothing. Change starts with one of us. We must teach the younger generation this – especially with the reports that half the nation will be obese in 20 years. It does no good to try and 'shame' them. Trust me, they have enough shame coming from their own thoughts.

Live by the golden rule, treat others the way you want to be treated and you will see just how amazing of a life you can have.

I am glad to say, I've overcome a lot of my past. I'm almost halfway to my goal. That bus monitor, the world has donated over $300,000 to give her a better life. Those people who called me names, I have no idea where they are. Those boys who made fun of the bus monitor could be facing criminal charges. There are consequences for the actions you make and words you say, so please choose them carefully. You never know when that one word you say will push someone over the edge.

Instead, wouldn't you prefer for that one word you say to be the catalyst that pushes someone to do something positive and change their life forever? Positivity never hurt anyone. Negativity has killed many a dream.

What's your decision?

Confidence....oh where did you go????

When I weighed-in this week, I realized something. I weigh less now than I did when I was 21 years old. I need to get down about another 26 pounds to weigh what I did when I was 19, but I'll get there! When I was 20 I went on Weight Watchers for the first time (of many)! That only lasted about 5 months.

It's amazing how long I've been 'trying' to lose weight. I don't feel like I've ever succeeded until now. Truthfully I've not 'succeeded' yet though. I have a long way to go. I still worry every week that this may be the week I decide not to do this anymore. Sometimes when I'm logging food or going for my daily walks, I think is this ever going to be done? I long for the days when I don't have to be so focused on it. Then I realize that for me, I'm always going to have to be focused on it. I don't think I can ever allow myself to go 'off this wagon'.

I struggle with those thoughts almost every day. I wonder where my confidence in myself went to. Granted, I have more confidence now than I did when I weighed 44 pounds heavier, but I don't have nearly the confidence I had at 21. Weighing what I weigh now and at 21 is so different. Then I thought....I'm cute.  Now I'm like...damn girl your arms are huge!  It's so different now at 30 and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I had retreated so far into myself with the feelings of not being worthy of anything because I was so heavy. Maybe it's because I had sunken so deep in thoughts that everything good about me was focused on what I weighed.

I'm trying to get over it – I really am, but it's a struggle. I want that confidence that I had back. Before I wondered if people were staring at me and laughing, before I worried about fitting everywhere.

It'll get here, slowly but surely. Just like my journey, but once I get it. I'm never losing it again!  I'm going to try and focus on what that saying up top says and try to forget about pointless and useless things.  What matters is I am doing this and I will get to an end point.  I just can't allow myself to get so wrapped up in the little things that are just that...little things that cause distractions. 

For now, I'm going to focus on my 50 pounds and trying to run a little bit every day.  I'm going to try not to waste any of the time I have here because none of us are guaranteed tomorrow....

Amusement Parks

Four years ago, I took my honeymoon at Disney.  It definitely wasn't the 'happiest place on earth' for me.  It was miserable.  I weighed about 30 more pounds and it hurt to walk, it hurt to stand, and I almost didn't fit into a few rides.  Since then I've been too worried, too embarrassed, to try to do anything like that anymore.

This week though, my friend, April, had free tickets to Holiday World and asked me if I wanted to go with her.  I at first said no because I was very self conscious and frankly scared.  People who don't have a weight problem don't understand.  When you go to a place like this, you worry.  There's a multitude of questions you ask yourself.

• Am I going to be the fattest person at the park?
• Am I going to embarrass myself by huffing and puffing up the hills?
• Will I be able to fit in the rides?
• If I can fit in the rides, will it be comfortable?
• Am I going to look like a beached whale at the water park?
• Will people point and laugh at me when I take my cover up off?

All of these things play in your mind and I don't know that anybody who's lived this life EVER gets over it or doesn't think about it.  We (me) let those thoughts keep us from doing the things that we want most in life.  Our thoughts are the most debilitating and crippling roadblocks in this journey besides self-control. 

I hadn't worn a bathing suit in 10 years and I hadn't been to an amusement park in the 4 years.  I hemmed and hawed about it for most of the week.  I didn't have a bathing suit and I was worried that I wouldn't fit in the rides.

My friends ending up making the decision for me. Out of the goodness of their hearts, they went and bought me a bathing suit and told me to go have fun (I seriously have absolutely the BEST friends in the world!).  I decided to do just that and I am SO glad that I did!

I fit in every ride, even had PLENTY of room after I tightened the seat belts on the roller coasters.  I wore my bathing suit in public and while I did feel a little self conscious about it, that went away  after a few minutes or so.  I walked up and down the hills with no problem and I had a great time!

Today, I do feel like I've been in a car accident, but I think that's because of the wooden coasters that we went on.  I wouldn't change anything at all about yesterday and I am so ready to keep losing weight. This truly is the best thing I've EVER done for myself!!

40 Pounds...what????

I'm in some uncharted territory here people! I have lost 40.7 pounds since January 1^st! I've actually had many little goals here lately & I think I need to celebrate them!

• I'm almost walking 1.2 miles in under 21 minutes. Keep in mind, that is not flat, this is with 2 hills both ways.
• I bought a 'regular sized' shirt from Old Navy. It wasn't in the plus size section or anything!
• I've become more open with people the last 5 months.
• I didn't let a weight gain and a neutral week the last couple of weeks knock me for a loop.
• I've lost 8 points on my BMI.
• I've lost 14% of my body weight.
• I am 84 pounds away from my goal, I remember when that was over 100!!
• I have a TAN!! I haven't ever had a tan because I sat inside all day and was too afraid I would burn because I'm so white. But from walking everyday, I've gotten a freakin' tan!!

This lifestyle change has gotten easier and I'm hardly hungry anymore, but it's still something I have to be completely cognizant of. Just like last night, I was hanging around with some friends, we were up until after midnight and I went on a midnight snack run. I don't do that EVERYDAY, but still, that's old habits!

I'm hoping to do another 5K in Nashville in October called The Color Run. I think I have a group of people that want to do it with me, so it should be fun!

Not a whole lot to report other than that. I'm feeling good, I'm trying to get halfway – 19.3 more pounds – and then I can focus on the rest of the journey. Hoping to hit 50 by the end of next month because I've promised myself a new hairdo and my hair is getting LONG! It's hot in this Kentucky humidity.

Will take another when I get to 50!!!

I can't tell you how proud I am to say right now that 

I made a resolution on January 1^st and almost 6 months later I am sticking to it!

Many Successes!

I've been a very busy lady since I posted my last blog.

1. I became an aunt.
2. I had my first weight gain.
3. I walked my first 5K.
4. I broke the 35 pound lost barrier.

The weight gain was not unexpected, we ate out a lot the week of my niece being born. She's adorable and cute and every other noun used to describe babies! We actually ate one night just to stay awake – we were up for almost 24 hours at one point. It was not a huge surprise when I got on the scale and saw the gain.

At that point, I had to figure out what I was going to do about it though. Would I let that weight gain define four months of hard work or would I let that be the motivation I needed?

I got my answer. It motivated me! It helped me to break the 35 pound barrier and I am heading quickly for 40!!

- - - - - -

My first 5K! My father-in-law asked me a while ago if I would be interested in walking one with him and I said yes. It just so happened to be the weekend after my weight gain. I've been walking everyday, but never that distance at one time. It was very cold and rainy, which was weird considering how hot it's been here lately. That ended up kind of working in my favor though as I don't do well in heat. When we started I was very nervous – afraid that I would walk across the finish line last. As we were walking, I began to realize that I wasn't doing too bad. He kept asking if I was ok and I was. I'm used to walking hills where I normally walk, this was flat. So I guess that made it easier. We ended up finishing in 51 minutes. I'd say we were pretty close to the middle. There were a lot in front of us, but there were also a lot behind us.

Before I could barely walk half a mile in 20 minutes, much less over 3 miles in 51.

I've come a long way, but I have a very long way to go yet. I will keep trucking because I have a goal and for the first time ever, I feel like I'm going to reach it! All I had to do was get started and do what I know is right.

If you're struggling, just get started. You have no idea how much that will resonate with you once you do!

I'm Back!

So, the last few weeks, I taken the weeks off from blogging. I was kind of disappointed in myself – even though that's kind of crazy – considering how far I've come. After seeing such big numbers that .5 pound was like a slap in the face. Of course, I knew that it was coming. I ate well, but my sodium was through the roof. That's something that will put the weight on me faster than anything else I do.

I worked hard though. I worked hard not to let that .5 loss derail me. For a split second, I really thought about giving up. I thought if I can't do at least 1.5 every week, then what am I doing here? Then I realized that was a stupid position to take. It was selfish and a bit bratish. Then the next week, my loss was bigger, but still smaller than what I was used to. Same with the next week. I wondered what I was doing 'wrong'. I don't know why I thought I was doing something wrong, but I guess I got spoiled in these big weight losses I had been having.

I had to sit down and have a talk with myself.

I also talked to other people who are doing or have done this. The biggest thing I heard from everyone was maybe you need to increase your calories. That scared me. Big time! I was netting anywhere from 900-1100 a day and the general consensus was that I should try to get as close to 1200 net a day that I could. So that's what I tried to do this week. It was hard, making myself eat sometimes. At the end of the day, I'd look and see sometimes I had about a hundred calories to go & I'd go get something real quick. I was scared it would give me the license to pretty much eat for the sake of eating. Surprisingly, I didn't feel that way. I made good decisions on what to eat except for a Little Debbie snack I allowed myself for dessert.

Sometimes I have to keep remind myself that my journey is not over. I still have a long way to go – 90.2 more pounds. But let's put this into perspective.

Since January 1^st, I have lost 35.3 pounds. My 'smaller' clothes are getting a bit bigger. My BMI has gone down 6.9 points. Most of all though? My confidence and self-esteem is through the roof and I'm happier. That is the biggest gift of all with this journey I'm on.

So this coming week, I'm gonna try not to be so impatient with myself. I am doing a great job. It'll happen. Not on my time line, but when it's supposed to. So here I go, ready to hit 40 pounds lost. With the support of everybody and my own determination, I'll be there in no time!

Trusting Myself....

One thing I've had a hard time with this week is trusting that doing everything right would mean I would get results. I haven’t trusted myself in being able to enjoy the spontaneous dinners that got me to this weight. I was scared to, to be quiet honest. That’s like handing an alcoholic a fifth of whiskey.

All that kinda came to halt this week. I had 3 instances of unplanned eating out. I worried about it all week, but I followed my plan all of the other days. Even on the days I ate out, I still kept within my calories, but my sodium was THROUGH THE ROOF!! Everyone kept telling me that it would be ok, that if I did gain, it would be the first time in 11 weeks and at some point it’s going to happen. I told myself that too, but I hoped for the best.

I lost -2.2 pounds.

I’ve decided I’m not going to do that anymore. I’m not going to worry myself to death about meals that sometimes are out of my control. Unless I went overboard and ate 3 days worth of food in one meal, it’s not that big of a deal.

It showed me something. That I can trust myself. That I can let lose maybe some of the reigns I’ve had. My frame of mind is different now and I’m not going to automatically go for that fried chicken or mac and cheese. I’m not automatically going to get an appetizer, meal, and then a dessert. I have changed. I’m not the same person I was 11 weeks & 29.5 pounds ago.

I don’t recognize that person anymore. Literally. None of my clothes fit anymore and half my shoes don’t. I’m not keeping all those big clothes either, those are being given away. I have a very small wardrobe that I can fit into at this point, but I’ll take it. Hopefully I’ll be moving even further down in the next few months.

Oh and that weight I was talking about that I don’t recognize myself at a few blog posts ago? I’m there. At this point, I’m a whole new me. I have an entirely different outlook on what I can do with this. When I first started, I thought if I lose 30 pounds by May I will have REALLY accomplished something. It’s March and I’m there. Imagine what I can do by May?

I’m going to keep at this. I’m going to keep on keeping on and I’ll hit my goal. Hopefully sooner rather than later. 95 more pounds to go!

I walked 1.2 miles today. I couldn’t even walk half a mile in January. I had my blood work re-done. My cholesterol is 169, my sugar is 87, my triglycerides are 138. Last time I had all that done, it was in the danger zone - in NOVEMBER! If I can do this, you can too! I”m one of the people who can say I’ve kept my New Year’s promise to myself. For the first time since, well, ever.


Are you? If not, it’s not too late to jump back on or even get started.