Sunday, June 3, 2012

Confidence....oh where did you go????

When I weighed-in this week, I realized something. I weigh less now than I did when I was 21 years old. I need to get down about another 26 pounds to weigh what I did when I was 19, but I'll get there! When I was 20 I went on Weight Watchers for the first time (of many)! That only lasted about 5 months.

It's amazing how long I've been 'trying' to lose weight. I don't feel like I've ever succeeded until now. Truthfully I've not 'succeeded' yet though. I have a long way to go. I still worry every week that this may be the week I decide not to do this anymore. Sometimes when I'm logging food or going for my daily walks, I think is this ever going to be done? I long for the days when I don't have to be so focused on it. Then I realize that for me, I'm always going to have to be focused on it. I don't think I can ever allow myself to go 'off this wagon'.

I struggle with those thoughts almost every day. I wonder where my confidence in myself went to. Granted, I have more confidence now than I did when I weighed 44 pounds heavier, but I don't have nearly the confidence I had at 21. Weighing what I weigh now and at 21 is so different. Then I thought....I'm cute.  Now I'm like...damn girl your arms are huge!  It's so different now at 30 and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I had retreated so far into myself with the feelings of not being worthy of anything because I was so heavy. Maybe it's because I had sunken so deep in thoughts that everything good about me was focused on what I weighed.

I'm trying to get over it – I really am, but it's a struggle. I want that confidence that I had back. Before I wondered if people were staring at me and laughing, before I worried about fitting everywhere.

It'll get here, slowly but surely. Just like my journey, but once I get it. I'm never losing it again!  I'm going to try and focus on what that saying up top says and try to forget about pointless and useless things.  What matters is I am doing this and I will get to an end point.  I just can't allow myself to get so wrapped up in the little things that are just that...little things that cause distractions. 

For now, I'm going to focus on my 50 pounds and trying to run a little bit every day.  I'm going to try not to waste any of the time I have here because none of us are guaranteed tomorrow....

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