Monday, January 16, 2012

Trying New Things....

Trying New Things

One of the things that being overweight has kept me from doing is trying new things. This applies everywhere in my life. From the food I eat to the vacations I take. From the food I eat? What? You might be saying. Well let me explain.

It’s been so easy, basically all my life, to be afraid of change. To not want anything at all to change. It almost like this extra weight I have on my body is my security blanket. If I have it there between me and the rest of the world then it keeps me from having to put myself out there. It helps me to be a loner.

This past year though, I’ve opened myself up. I’ve made new friends and tried new things. My point of view is changing. My tastes are changing. Before, it wasn’t unheard of me to say “I don’t like that!”, without ever really trying it. I know, I know, people who know me in everyday life are dying of surprise.

But I am now a changed woman. If I don’t really know if I like it or not, I’m taking the chance and trying it. Whether it be one of those vegetables I thought nasty before or doing a few lunges in the privacy of my own home. I’m not ready to do those down the hallway like some co-workers of mine.

The point is, sometimes I put myself into this little, lonely hole. Why I don’t know. People seem to like me. I seem funny. I seem like I’m someone who is a very good friend. I have people that tell me that – maybe not on a day to day basis, but more than occasionally. However for the past few years, it’s seemed like I haven’t felt worthy of it MYSELF. Like I thought because I let myself get this way I shouldn’t have fun, I shouldn’t have friends, I shouldn’t be loved by others. It’s a very dark place to be in and a very lonely place.

But that’s the funny thing. You become comfortable with your own thoughts, with your own company. You begin to like it and get irritated at those who try to encroach on it. It took my husband, who I love dearly, really hurting my feelings about a year ago to make me to want to start to change.

Gradually, I built up some relationships and friendships. It wasn’t easy. For someone who hates change, it was odd for me to say I had someone to do things with. Then one person turned into two, and two turned into three, and three turned into four. Am I EVER going to be the life of the party? I don’t think so, but there is absolutely no reason I should let the way I LOOK affect how I FEEL about myself that much.

It’s shameful really. I missed out on people who could have been the best friends of my life. I purposely stayed away from things that I knew would be fun. I was miserable and depressed half the time and didn’t even see it.

But I do now.

While I do like my own company for the most part, I’ve learned a LOT in the past six months to a year. I’m kind of entertaining. I LIKE margarita nights with the girls and the occasional husband. I LIKE getting together to make crafts. I LIKE meeting at Barnes and Noble to discuss books. I LIKE going to see Brantley Gilbert play, even if it means having heat stroke in the middle of July.

But the two most important things I’ve learned? I’m the only one who can hold myself back and if you don’t try things, you’ll really never know if you like them or not.

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